I used to have an odd reaction whenever someone invited me to do something: resentment. It was the same kind of resentment I felt when an unexpected problem or burden came up and forced me to re-arrange my schedule. I had a similar reaction when, for example, I got a new school or work assignment, but it was understandable in these cases. There, the resentment was merely a fleeting, impulsive rebellion against the imposition of a new obligation. Insofar as, on a deeper level, I was committed to school or work, the assignment was a true obligation. The social invitation was, however, strictly optional, and yet it would feel like a responsibility just the same.

I found this frustrating not only because the feeling itself was obnoxious but also because I knew it was unfair to the person extending the invitation. That person was animated by nothing more than the good intention of including me in his or her social life. I, however, twisted it into an act of coercion. Subconsciously, I was turning the invitation into an obligation. All the pressure was coming from within. I thought that as a friend I had to show up to this event, as an alumnus I had to attend this lecture, as a young, single person I had to go to this club. If I didn’t, I thought, it was tantamount to failing to submit an assignment, a dereliction of duty, an irredeemable disappointment of those around me. In reality, this was all imagined. My attachment to certain deeper values and principles, such as maintaining a wide social network or enjoying youthful life, made each invitation into a compelling circumstance rather than the optional opportunity it was. Similarly, even when something was a real obligation, I would intensify it through the addition of all sorts of heightened expectations, all of which likewise stemmed from within.

The fact is that almost everything in life is of this nature: strictly optional. Apart from a few biological imperatives, all of the supposedly mandatory things are only conditionally mandatory. And in most cases, the list of conditions that has to be presupposed is a long one. Obligation is usually highly contingent and socially contrived. The demands made by others and by the environment only become salient through you. To put it in sociological terms, values have to be internalized by the individual. Without this personal anchoring, the demands of the environment ring hollow because they presuppose values not recognized by the person in question.

To free myself, I didn’t have to discharge the obligation reluctantly. In other words, it wasn’t the environment that needed to be re-ordered or worked out; rather, the solution lay in realizing what I was unconsciously committed to and re-evaluating whether it was worth keeping. In more and more cases, I found, I didn’t want to keep the value or goal, and the pressure duly disappeared. In yet other cases, I continued to honour the obligation, but dropped the additional, superfluous demands that I had superimposed on it. It too suddenly became more benign. I felt lighter, and my relationships with those around me improved.